home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Creative Computers
/
Creative Computers CD-ROM, Volume 1 (Legendary Design Technologies, Inc.)(1994).iso
/
text
/
misc
/
computer_jokes.pp
/
computer_jokes
Wrap
Text File
|
1994-11-17
|
8KB
|
197 lines
Software Engineering Glossary of Phrases
----------------------------------------
Major software breakthrough.
Back to the flow charts.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties.
We're working on something else.
The design is well within allowable limits.
It takes forever to run, but we still have
twelve bytes of core storage left over.
User satisfaction is believed assured.
We're so far behind schedule that he's happy to get anything from us.
Close project coordination.
We asked advise from someone else so we can spread
the responsibility real thin when it lays an egg.
Testing and debugging proceeding smoothly.
I can't figure out what it is doing.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period.
We've not even looked at this system yet,
but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried.
We have no idea where we're going, but we're producing reams of output.
Test runs were extremely gratifying.
It works, and we are extremely surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem.
We just hired a new guy, and we'll let him kick it around awhile.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
The damn thing crashed when it was installed.
The entire system will have to be abandoned.
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
The program has uncovered a hardware bug.
The machine failed to provide us with the ESP that
the programmer apparently thought it posessed.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties.
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
But I only made one small change.
Say What?
=============================================================================
Computer Term Lexicon
---------------------
ANALOG : Hors d'oeuvre, usually made with cheese and covered with
crushed nuts. Served at all staff parties.
APPLE : Typically, a device used to seduce men. Usually equipped
with display screens and/or worms.
BAR CHART : A list of places to go when it's Miller time.
BINARY : Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
BIPOLAR : Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska and
Buffalo, New York.
BIT : Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful.
See also BYTE.
BPI : A 1960s term used to describe unmentionable parts of the
anatomy, as in "you bet your bpi."
BUBBLE MEMORY : A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also VACUUM TUBE.
BUG : Small living things that small living boys throw on small
living girls.
BYTE : A mouthful, as in "How many bytes in a Big Mac?"
CASSETTE : A very small petite cass - usually achieved through
exercise.
CPU : A juvenile way of telling your dog he missed the paper.
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office.
CHIP : Any number of small crunchy objects often served with
onion dip.
CLOSED LOOP : A method of execution no longer in vogue except in Iran.
CODE : Virus lasting about three to five days, accompanied by
sore throat, runny nose, and fever.
COMMAND : Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer
in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in
control.
COMPILE : A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
CONVERSATIONAL MODE: Describes the typical office the day after a major
sporting event.
CRT : A movie about a little alien who forgets his telephone
number and must write home.
CURSOR : An expert in four-letter words.
DEBUG : The act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping
creature.
DOWNTIME : Coffee breaks, lunch, or Friday mentality in the office.
DUMP : The EPA's answer to health.
ERROR : Something only humans can commit.
FIFO : Common name for a dog.
GIGO : A movie industry acronym referring to the numerous
"Gidget Goes..." movies, i.e. GIGO Hawaii, GIGO surfing,
etc.
HARDWARE : Typically boots, leather, and chains. Contrast with
SOFTWARE.
INTERFACE : The opposite of "Getouttamyface."
K : A term used in employment ads to disquise how much they
are really willing to pay.
MEGAHERTZ : A very large car rental company.
NETWORK : The occupation of a fisherman.
ON LINE : A statement shouted at tennis judges in response to serves
being called out.
OUTPUT : What people who talk backwards do with their cat.
PROGRAM : What commercials try to do to us.
RAM : A male sheep.
REAL TIME : Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs
there and then.
ROM : A RAM after a delicate operation.
SEMI-CONDUCTOR : A person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated
from directors school.
SOFTWARE : Typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast
with HARDWARE.
TERMINAL : What most people have to be before consenting to see a
doctor.
TRANSISTOR : A sibling, opposite of transbrother.
VACUUM TUBE : A derogatory term. See BUBBLE MEMORY.
=============================================================================
REAL PROGRAMMERS
----------------
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't eat quiche. REAL programmers don't even know how to
spell quiche (and a few other words). They like Twinkies, COKE, and palate
scorching Szechwan food.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write applications programs. They program down to
the bare metal. Applications programming is for dullards who can't do
systems programming.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't comment their code. If it was hard to write it
should be hard to understand, and even harder to modify.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear
white socks ... pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. They get
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reaction simulations.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use LOGO. In fact, no programmers use logo after
reaching puberty.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use APL, except when the whole program can be
written on one line.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use LISP. What kind of program is it if it has more
parentheses than code?
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use Pascal, BLISS, Ada, or any of those sissy-pinko
computer science languages. Strong typing is just a crutch for people with
weak memories.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write or read specs. Users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.
REAL PROGRAMMERS programs never work the first time, but if you dump them
in a REAL machine, they can be patched into working order in a few 30-hour
debugging sessions.
REAL PROGRAMMERS never work 9 to 5. If any REAL programmers are up at 9AM
they were up all night.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't wear ties. If you ever see a REAL programmer with a
tie he's been sneaking out to job interviews and Chapter 11 is just around
the corner.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't play tennis or any other sport requiring a change of
clothing. Mountain climbing is ok, and many REAL programmers wear climbing
boots just in case a mountain should spring up in the computer room.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't like the team programming concept; unless, of
course, they are the chief programmer so they can tell other programmers
how to write code.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't need managers. Managers are for keeping personnel
bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives out of
the computer room.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't drive puny economy cars. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, pickup trucks with floor shifts, or the only real solution to
traffic jams ... motorcycles.
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't bring brown bag lunches. If it's ok for the vending
machine it's good enough for them. If it's not in the vending machine, they
don't eat it. Vending machines do not sell quiche.
REAL PROGRAMMERS know every varient of every programming instruction and
use them ALL in every REAL program. Puppy coders won't write execute
instructions to address another execute as the target instruction; REAL
programmers despise such petty restrictions.